Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Ode to an American.

This post is in direct response to my American (Australian born but well, she is American) friend's post regarding her new found (in the last two years...) love for her now home country Ausstraliaa. (that was pronunciation, not bad spelling).

So now that little introduction is done i have decided to direct my post to reasons i love her own country, America. (i would like to state i have not yet been to the US of A but this post is completely based on media coverage and obvious knowledge)

I would like to start with brilliant reality television because without it i would not be able to judge the American population subjectively, wife swap is a great example of this after spending hours of my life watching this program i think it is safe to say this may be the best reality television ever created. Obviously when watching wife swap i am watching from a purely physiological view point, as i obviously am only watching to study the human species (i also cant get over seeing raw-a-tarians, those who only eat raw food swapped with families whom only eat fried chicken nuggets and seeing little girls like this one being able to speak the local dialect of christian approved swear words.). But really, if i am surfing the crimson wave and need chocolate and reality television i would be dead without the American people and i thank them for years of hilarity.

The stupidity of American pronunciation kills me every time. When said friend even attempts to tell me about how "bolth of her parents...." i have to laugh, i have to point and i have to make her feel like an idiot. This although seemingly looks less like something i love and more like some what of an insult is in fact not an insult, i LOVE the American peoples ability to make me wet myself in everyday conversation.

Next would be the American past time of "dress your small child like a hooker and defend yourself with your Christian beliefs" This is another hilarity coming straight from the US of A, if i had a penny every time i saw an interview with a "pageant mom" (don't even get me started on the spelling of mum.) who was questioned as to whether she was worried that dressing her daughter in a bathing suit applying her with fake tan, extensions and contacts would either have an adverse effect on her self-esteem or/and make her more vulnerable to sexual predators and answered with "we are a good Christian family and if urrr lookin at ma ittle' gurl ike that then you have the problem not her"i would not be writing a blog from sydney, i would be using those pennies to travel the world and make fun of my American friend in person somewhere exotic.

The fact that in America you can hide pretty much anything behind religion, you want four wives ? no problem ! start an offshoot mormon religion, marry little girls ? not an issue ! we respect your right to do that because you wear funny looking clothes and keep to yourselves in utah. Now this post may seem fair enough until you uncover its contradictions a muslim woman in a shopping centre ? Must be a terrorist (exhibit A: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/CanadaAM/20100106/manna_100106/) i think ill rest my case before i get hate mail.

American obsession with fast foods and being large. Now you will need to understand i have been stereotyping this whole time, and again this is all based on media coverage and purely to take the piss out of my American friend, now that i have the niceties out of the way... HEEEYOOOHHH FATTY FATTY the American culture never ceases to make me feel good about my figure without them i would just be another average girl trying to bust her butt at the gym, but as soon as i turn to a good ol' foxtel channel and watch a show based on some fatty trying to give up 20 litres of coca-cola and 30 cheeseburgers a day while pumping iron at the gym it makes it seem that much more worth it.

i believe i have covered my main points, id also like to state that the friend in question is A) not a crazy American patriot B) Much to my disappointment neither a raw-a-tarian or only fried nugget eating individual C) Not a crazy Christian or part of a polygamist cult like religion, And D) Not a lard ass.

HOWEVER id also like to state she does say "Bolth" like a total idiot. But she has her perks, you can see them on her blog and laugh along with me here http://fungrytown.blogspot.com/

Enjoy !